My Rebel-Self

The other week we were visiting a church and the pastor asked everyone to raise his or her hand as an illustration in his message. I just sat in my seat with my hands in my lap. I did not look around to see who was watching or who was raising their hands. It did not matter to me; I just did not feel like raising my hand. The deacons could have walked down the aisle passing out one hundred-dollar bills and I would have still sat there with my hands in my lap. I had made up my mind. That moment has begun to change my life.

I excused myself from the exercise. My arm was not broken. I was not tired. I was not embarrassed. It was not a matter of being shy or uncertain. It was a decision I made based on my stubbornness and inner rebellion against, well, doing what I was asked to do.

This is a silly way for a revolution to begin. But that was the first time I gave notice to the protesting yell of my inner self blaring down the hallways of my heart, it made me uncomfortable. My rebel-self plays a bigger part in my decision making process than what I thought. In fact, I had never given much thought on the matter. But my desire to rebel invades my mind and sometimes dominates my motivation. My rebel-self opposes the SIMPLE. Things like, replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom or getting a fresh cup from the cabinet because I do not want to walk to the living room and get the one I was using. Sometimes its just a calm and quiet defiance. Other times my rebel-self makes herself known through quick comments, body language and attitude.
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For years I have dismissed this attitude as a tiny dent in my personality. After all, I am an artist, right? Well, lately I have been asking the question, “how can I be made useful for The Gospel while continuing to submit to this rebel-self?”

And the answer is, I can’t.
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I am excited to share my heart revolution with you. Identifying this secret rebel in my heart has cleared up a lot of messy and confusing things about myself. Starting in the areas of cleaning, organizing and serving others I hope you will be challenged as I share what Jesus has been teaching me.

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